Tuesday, August 28, 2007

A Modest Ad Proposal

As an old-fashioned bleeding heart liberal, my heart, well, bleeds to see the once-mighty Republican Party in such disarray. As Senators, Congressmen and apparatchniks depart in droves (or are quietly led away to, shall we say, secure quarters), it is urgent for the Party to recruit new members, men who share the party’s values, vision and goals. But the Party is floundering, unable to hold onto old members or court new ones. The problem, it seems to me, is that the Republican Party isn’t targeting the right people. There’s a natural constituency out there just waiting to be tapped. So I offer this rough ad copy in the hope that it will help restore one of the pillars of our two-party system to its former glory:

Are you a married middle-aged white man, desperate, lonely and out of sorts? Do you wake up sweaty and confused after dreaming about those drunken “experiments” back in college? Do you still shudder with pleasure at the memory of the initiation rites where you learned what “skull and bones” really means? Do you fantasize about your hidden Tom of Finland poster collection while having obligatory anniversary sex with your game but willing wasp wife? Do you hate yourself and your uncontrollable longings? Are you afraid no one will ever understand?

Well, rest your quivering loins. The Republican Party understands.

Once upon a time in America, hypocrisy and shame were treasured social niceties; openness and honesty were the kinds of coarse behavior one expected of the untutored lower classes, servants and misguided unbribable police officers. Not anymore. Now everyone is expected to be happy with who they are.

What a ridiculous idea. Only perverts and communists are happy. Happiness, like taxes, is for the little people.

The Democrats don’t understand. They don’t think you should hate yourself. They don’t think you should have to skulk in alleys or loiter in airport bathrooms. They want to drag you out of the closet where everyone, including your family – yes, even Jesus! – can see you.

Not the Republican Party. We like you just the way you are.

Just ask Mark Foley. Or Larry Craig. Or Bob Allen. Or Jeff Gannon or Karl Rove or Dick Cheney or George Bush. They’ve all made successful Republican careers out of hating themselves without reservation and taking it out on everyone else. Now you can too!

No more will you have to be ashamed of your “wide stance.” Or of offering blow jobs to large black men out of fear of robbery and worse. After all, who hasn’t? If not for pasty cringing white men offering blow jobs to big black bucks, their muscles glistening with sweat in the harsh fluorescent lights, who knows what the crime rate might be! And finally you will be able to lust after those Congressional pages with impunity, those pages so pale and clean in their little uniforms and ties, strutting their dirty dirty stuff up and down the halls of Congress.

Where else but in the Republican Party. In your balls, you know it’s right!

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